• Niki Sparks

Stayed Down Too Long



Enough. I'm calling it now.

My husband has spent much of this year asking me why I'm always mad at him, my daughter's far-too-wise boyfriend just called me out on my fear-based thinking, and I had myself convinced that both my mom and my eye doctor did not call me like they were supposed to in the last couple days.

(Turns out that I had voicemails on my landline--I'm from the 70's, don't judge me--for three days that I didn't bother to check and neither my mom nor Dr. Baron were actually avoiding me.)

The perceived phone call slights are mild and a bit silly, but the observations by Mike and Aydan cannot be dismissed as easily. This year has been difficult and often heartbreaking for me, with a lot of change that I didn't see coming and did not handle well at all. I spent much of the last 8 months curled up in a ball--both actually and emotionally--just waiting for the next disappointment or scary piece of news to come. I stopped writing, and for the worst month of it all I couldn't even open my Bible. I just cried and hoped Jesus would come back so it could all be over.

Since there is no Glorious Appearing yet, it's time to get back up. It's time to stop convincing myself that staying numb and barely living as I wait for the next piece of bad news is some kind of life and will protect me from whatever the next thing is. The vice grip I had on everything and everyone around me wasn't enough to control one single outcome and certainly doesn't contribute to good relationships or any kind of joy.

Last night, at the theater for Rachel Hollis' inspiring documentary "Made for More," I sat between two of my best friends who have both recently written books. Being with these women who are chasing a dream that I share, too, I realized that it was solely up to me if my name would ever be on the cover of a book. I could stay down and stay sad and stay small or I could rise and write and feel and risk and live bigger than ever before.

I'm getting back up now. Let's see how it goes.


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